You’d never know that I used to have a greeting card business if you were ever on the receiving end of my gift giving—I can’t stand most of the drivel out there, and hate blowing the money on something that gets tossed out with tomorrow’s junk mail. I inevitably either wind up making one (if I have the time, which I don’t), or standing up and reciting something off the cuff, doing my best to be both relevant and witty, and rhyme all at the same time. Similarly, if I’m bringing a gift of wine to someone, and I know they’re as big a dork as I am, I’ll usually say something to the effect of, “This is for you. Stash this in the deepest, darkest recesses of your home and drink it only when you are sure no one else will grab it from you unknowingly, pour half of it into their glass, take a sip, realize it’s not as good as their usual Sutter Home white zinfandel, and toss it into your kitchen sink while you weep silently, like an infant who has just had his pacifier taken away, ok?” And THAT is the equivalent of my greeting card, exchanged between two knowing people, with no more than a telling glance, who understand all too well the pain of watching the good juice get plundered like booty.
Anyhow, the mad geniuses over at Cerebral Itch have come up with the best imaginable way to kill all above birds with one stone—temporary wine labels that serve as the greeting card. These puppies are crack n’ peel labels that affix to your wine bottle and can later be removed WITHOUT damaging the actual wine’s label. Some of my favorites?
“This party better be worth the gas it took me to get here.”
“Don’t waste this wine on the uncultured palates of the other guests.”
“Let me tell you as you turn another year older, you could still do porn.”
“I’ll be damned if I know a better way to celebrate Valentine’s Day than drunkenly ravaging your nether regions.”
(The one pictured above, which any Christmas movie junky will know.)
And my absolute favorite: “Fuck the pretense. Let’s get hammered.”
They normally run for about $4 each, but for the holidays I think they’re running a sale and they’re all 3 bucks a piece. This is honestly some of the funniest shit I’ve seen in the wine business in a VERY long time. Forget the cute little tote bags with beads, dump the foil bags with scissor-curled ribbons and destroy the Monet-covered gift bags with attached note cards, will ya? For the sake of all that is holy (and all that is not) get a fucking sense of humor, stop taking wine so seriously and slap one of these on your next gifted bottle. I promise it will go off better than the following:
“Congrats, you’re another year older.
They say age makes you wiser and bolder.
Had I known you would be
So hot at 53,
I’d have given my wife the cold shoulder.”
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
These are fantastic! I wish I’d know about them ages ago.
Yeah, Elaine…truly one of those “wish I had thought of that” products!!
How about
“If you drink this, I look better.”
“Alcohol is a vasal dilator, and your nether regions need a lot of help.”
“It’s not enough the wine is cheap, so is this joke.”
Loved this! Also love these comments. Thanks for brightening the day.
The Christmas one made me laugh out loud…I always said that the Rudolph movie did not make Santa come off looking too well (well except for his svelte figure that he cut… “Eat Papa Eat, who ever heard of a skinny Santa”
A Belated Merry Christmas to Katie and to everyone here… and a Happy and Safe New Year as well