“Balls!” said the Queen. “If I had t(w)o, I’d be King.” So begins one of my favorite little ditties. Well, if I had t(w)o, I’d be the Jack of all Trades, but as it stands, I’m most assuredly a Jack but I believe my surname is Ass. I’m one of those people that love to dive head first into creative, hands-on endeavors, especially when they involve food or drink. I’ve made several batches of my own ales, I’ve made my kid cakes in the shape of a Fender Stratocaster & amp, and I’ve even created a family of chocolate truffles based on favorite cocktails. But as of late, I’m as confused as the proverbial fart caught in a fan shop. After buying “Charcuterie” by Michael Ruhlman I’m dying to start smoking my own bacon and making my own sausages…and salumi…and patés…and confit. I’ve also been toying with the idea of starting a vegetable garden this year, in addition to the herbs I normally grow. Then, after reading a great post over on Food On The Food, I got a sudden urge to start a mushroom patch. Oh, and did I mention that I want to perfect my bread making skills this year? I’ve promised my mother ethereal croissants this summer and I simply don’t know how to fail, so if it takes a flour-caked kitchen, a trampled-on cat, and probably getting served divorce papers, I WILL make great fucking croissants if it KILLS me.
I don’t exactly have the greenest of thumbs—ok, they’re practically black—but that doesn’t seem to stifle the longing in me to stick my hands in the dirt and plant some tomatoes. I mean, how much could it possibly matter that I once managed to kill a damned cactus, right?!? It’s not how often you fail, but how many glasses of wine you have after you pick yourself up and try again. So the voice on one shoulder (we’ll call him doubting husband) tells me to squash any notions of greenery in my near future and focus on things I can’t actually kill, per se. I’m not sold on this idea, so I often shove a truffle in his mouth, and that’s enough to silence the voice for a while.
Then there’s the little voice on the other shoulder (we’ll call him everyone-else-in-the-blasted-family-tree guy) that agrees with doubting husband and tries to convince me to focus my efforts on charcuterie and bread making. Why? Because I should consider the family, and how well some homemade salami and fresh bread would go with my roasted peppers at the next party. I mean, really, what are they supposed to do with poorly ripened, sad-looking, penis-sized eggplant? No faith, I tell you. That unified voice is not so readily silenced, but I find that telling them that if they continue to piss me off I could easily poison there next meal hushes them to an inaudible whisper that I can swat away from my ear like the pesky annoying gnat that it is.
Help…please, I implore. What should I do? I’ll let you be the third voice—the voice of unbiased reason. The one that would never tell me that opening that third bottle of wine at 2am is often a bad idea. Am I nuts to want to do it all? OK, never mind the nuts part—should I limit the focus or throw all caution to the wind? Let me know. That way, I can blame it all on you.
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
I recon you should do what u damn well want and prove the doubting thomas’s wrong – i look forward to trying the smoked meat ;0)
… oh and the croissants!
personally im looking forward to my mint growing again in the garden coz im on my second bag of home frozen mint – but you cant beat fresh from the garden
and im running out of my home frozen mixed herbs too
did i say i look forward to tasting the truffles as well … he he!!
“so I often shove a truffle in his mouth, and that’s enough to silence the voice for a while.” – Euphemism or actual truffle?
Based on your surname, your husband is the one from the boot…tell him to get his guinea ass out in the backyard and grow some friggin tomoatoes …seriously WTF…I mean it WTF… 🙂
The extremely short list of what I can kill:
Cacti
Evil miniature roses
Okay, anything found in the supermarket plant section
We discovered you can forget to weed 2,500 sq. ft. of soybeans (edamame.) They are too prolific to give a SH*%.
Lettuce and carrots suck… take too much weeding.
Tomatoes should really be staked.
Brassicas, broccoli, cabbage, etc. will be eaten to lace if not covered with agribon
The “three sisters” planting is Native American genius
The deer think that you planted sunflowers just for them.
In the kitchen, refuse to buy bread.
Find a construction crew to eat your mistakes. I actually did this with my learning-to-bake-a-pie phase. They were happy… I learned.
Read: The Self Sufficient gardener by John Seymour
Lasagna Gardening by well, hell, somebody
Gardening When it Counts by… hm…
anyway, choose the low maintenance stuff he recommends first.
Don’t get discouraged, they say it takes 3-4 years before you figure out exactly what you can and can’t grow.
@Linsey…I’ll make you truffles if you promise to bring me a bottle of that mushroom catsup!!
@Coupe…no, I really shove a truffle in his mouth…his mother used to have a garden, so you’d think he’d be decent at it. Me, on the other hand…well, Cubans are good at sugar cane and tobacco, but tomatoes not so much.
@Nancy…you rock! I will heed every crumb of advice. Did I mention you rock?!?
Mushroom catsup? I’m fascinated. Need a link.
Okay, so my mom had a big garden when I was a kid. Oh yeah, and a flock of sheep.
BTW, lamb sucks, if you know its name.
Anyway, I had ziltch country skills when we started this homestead project. I read constantly, still do. And learned things along the way.
Like — if you buy flour in bulk, freeze it for 24 hrs or you’ll get bugs.
Or check this learning experience out. No giggling.
http://kitewrite.wordpress.com/2009/02/04/the-cock-and-the-granny-nightie/
Please send me questions, I ache for topics. Nothing is too basic.
Forgot to mention: My father belts the “balls” ditty from his garage where it echoes across the valley. All the time! I like to remind my mom, “You picked ‘im.”
Nancy…OMG that was one funny story…
Nancy, if you look back on my risotto post, somewhere in the comments, Linsey mentions this mushroom ketchup that sounds amazing and I know she includes a link there somewhere…comes out of the UK and I’m dying to get some. Great post, BTW! But I confess that I giggled 🙂 I’ll drop you an email today if I can. And BTW, my 10-yr-old SON belts the AC/DC song as well, most often while he’s holding two navel oranges down near his groin. My husband likes to remind me, “You birthed him.”
Confession: I belted the AC/DC one from on top of a bar about a decade ago. Okay, let’s NOT share that with the PTA.
I have no comment or excuse.
So, fantastic, what your saying is that my sweet little boy in the avatar will be the equivalent of a drunken freak in 4 years. That’s just lovely.
Fear not, Nancy, I don’t think the PTA would have me even if I wanted in. Dressing my kid up like Ozzy Osbourne for Halloween was probably the nail on the coffin.
My son was a bat last year. They could have gone together.
Our PTA is desperate. If your a crack whore that can bake, well then…
katie if you want the one i left at anthonys im sure that they wont mind
OK, folks, Linsey has been kind enough to find us a link to where we can get the beloved Mushroom Ketchup here in the US…here’s the link:
http://www.thefind.com/gifts/browse-watkins-ketchup
Thanks guys.
Katie my crappy computer won’t let me download the pdfs of your recipes.
After I’ve had a chance to enjoy more of your blog, I’m shipping you my recipe wish list.
and my shopping list for my suitcase to go to usa with
jaffa cakes
tunnocks teacakes (the softest marshmallow coated in chocolate)
mushroom ketchup
toffee
hehe
just wish i could take home
canolis (sic)
sliced meat like we ate at ottos
and a ton of other american deli food – but im not allowed!
@Nancy…no problem, just let me know!
@Linsey…you Brits need more Italians on that side of the pond to open up shop! LOL!
in the cities there wouldnt be a problem – i dont like near one though – small rural place where a good deli is few and far between … italian or otherwise
there used to be one in my closest town – but he shut down unfortunately – oooooh he did the best ciabatta bread
katie i would love you to see the food section of harrods in london though – amazing food there – great quality unfortunately with a price tag to match
oops typo – like = live
I would like to apologize to any readers of this blog that are of Italian descent for my remark about getting off ones guinea ass…. I am of 100% Italian decent myself, and did not realize that my attempt at humor might not be viewed as such by all of the readers here …. If anyone was offended by that remark please accept my sincere apology…
You’re asking the wrong person about what to do. There are a few people in the world that just want to do everything. I raise a glass to you. I want to do everything too.
However, I have finally realized that ain’t going to happen so I crossed build your own house from scratch off my list.
I do have a green thumb…….
If anyone was offended by that remark please accept my sincere apology…
I wasn’t offended and I was Italian in a previous life.
Our PTA is desperate. If your a crack whore that can bake, well then…
In Californicate it don’t matter if you’re a crack whore or not, it is illegal to bring home baked goodies to public school.
In Californicate it don’t matter if you’re a crack whore or not, it is illegal to bring home baked goodies to public school.
But does it matter if you go to school baked and bring in your public goodies?!? LOL!
i have no idea what ‘getting of ones guinea ass’ so i dont mind
Shouldn’t there be some kinda new article posted already?
But does it matter if you go to school baked and bring in your public goodies?!? LOL!
Thanks for the laugh. BTW, I meant to tell you I put a link on my site for yours. Better buy some bandwidth…..
Sweet…every good turn deserves another…I’ll add one here to you. Gracias!
Thanks, much, but I’d almost rather not get an award, as that would just mean I meet their standards as opposed to my own 🙂
Great, I just deleted The Wine Commonsewer’s lovely compliment about the writing on this blog by accident…I’m such a schmo. So now, the thanks I just gave above won’t make any sense, but then again, most of my comnments don’t!!
Yeah…I’m sure there was a ton of compliments about your writing that got accidentally deleted…
Happens to me all the time…
that calls for a DOH!! katie
I wuz just sayin’ that this blog and Benito’s are light years better than some of the stuff that gets awards. Not all awards are undeserved but like marriage and politics there sometimes is no accountin’ for taste. I didn’t think that up by myself, Will Rogers did.
Aw, thanks for the vindication, TWC…see Coupe, somebody DOES like me. 😛
And I’m pretty sure that’s the first time Will Rogers has ever been quoted on this blog! LOL!
Awww Katie…I like you…and Will rogers never met a man he didn’t like (NTTAWWT):-)