Listen up, male readers. This is mindless, inane babble but valuable nonetheless, for we are never too old to learn. This post has absolutely no snarky commentary about the wine industry, no life-altering recipes to make you drool, and absolutely no profanity—but please keep reading anyway. At some point or another you will all be one footstep away from the dog house, and I say one footstep because at that given moment your other foot will be uncomfortably fitted in your mouth. Do not try to understand your woman—ever. Instead, try to stay out of her way for the most part and know that what falls from your lips is nearly always what will make or break you. Much like driving a vehicle, there are danger zones to avoid, unexpected turns, and detours that will safely get you where you need to go. Though there will always be exceptions to any good rule, this one doesn’t have any except for possible substitutions, which will be evident to the reader. Keep your hands at 10 and 2, look left, right, and then left again and DO NOT DEVIATE FROM THE PATH:
DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: You’re wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t over-do it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Katie
This is so true, did you sent a copy to your brother? I think he should have it posted on the wall now that is getting married.
I am buying a few extra bottle of wines for Gus sake !!
Love
Ile
I’m glad to see that satire does not escape you.
Nothing escapes me, brother…’cept a little gas every now and again 😉
Best post ever!
Thanks John…spoken like a true married man!
So true…..wish I’d mastered this the first time around, would have saved me much anguish!
I was married to a woman who didn’t like to cook and had a picky son so we ate chicken an unusual amount of times.
I came home from work and asked what was for dinner? To which she replied”roasted chicken”
Well being young and dumb I asked the question that I felt(wrongly) was begging to be asked…..”Doesn’t that freakin store you shop at sell anything other then chicken?”
My very petite wife proceeded to introduce me (on a very personal level) to said roasted chicken while reminding me how hard it was to cook something that everyone liked and she hated cooking and if I didn’t like it I could place it where it was anatomically impossible to fit!
After cleaning the grease and pieces of chicken from my face and hair we all sat down and ate a veryy sorry looking chicken.
Of course by this time I knew what I said last was what I should have said first….”why darling, I just love it when you make chicken!”
See now, Thom…handing her a glass of wine would’ve been a whole lot less messy!
Sure…easy to see that now(actually, although I was dumb and before I met the chicken intimately, I knew I should have opted for a different tact. kinda of like wiggling a wire and shorting out something electrical but realizing you made a mistake as fast as it shorts out.
At least it’s funny now but being assaulted with a chicken didn’t get many laughs that day and strangely enough I have a special reverence for chicken that has endured for over 28yrs!
Sorry I missed your B’Day. Many happy returns.
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