"Try it, you'll like it, don't hide it, don't fight it, just let it out…"

Dale Degroff’s The Craft of the Cocktail was the cause of one of my many gastronomic epiphanies years ago, particularly the one that had me tossing out plastic bottles of “sour mix” and “bloody mary mix” at 1:00am vowing to never again give them a home in my refrigerator door. No more, “just add alcohol” for me, I declared—and I swore it on my vinyl collection, so you know damned well I was serious. After all, I wouldn’t ever dream of tossing a can of sloppy joe mix into my ground beef, so what made me think mediocrity was acceptable in a drink?

Since then, I’ve spent many a lazy afternoon perfecting my bloody mary recipe, tweaking it until I got just the right balance of nuance and whoopass. And let’s face it, everybody thinks their bloody mary recipe is the best, whether it involves Old Bay seasoning, steak sauce, horseradish, celery salt or pickle juice. My adjustments began with tossing the use of vodka square out the window without looking back. Vodka brought nothing to the mix other than alcohol, and that could be found readily in other, more flavorful spirits, my favorite being an herbaceous gin. I’ve even tried infusing the gin with various hot peppers, and until recently I was a loud braggart about my bloody mary recipe…

Ladies and gentlemen, wenches and weasels, here are the Angels & Demons of Bloody Mary Mixes.

I never, never, ever, never, ever, ever thought I would buy a commercially made bloody mary mix again in my whole disillusioned life. I poo-pooed them in all their synthetic heresy, claiming them to be fodder for the cocktail illiterate. Then came this angel, Oxford Falls, strolling into my world with its all-natural ingredient list and its amazing fresh flavors, and fucked my whole mojo up. All 4 of their mixes are made with tomato juice, not paste or powder, and with combinations like lobster & wasabi (York Harbor) curiosity was bound to get the better of me, so I bought some. Handcrafted in small batches, the list of ingredients included both lobster & lobster stock, celery, wasabi, lemon juice, horseradish, worcestershire, onion power, paprika, garlic, onion powder, and cayenne, and there were plenty of yummy little chunks of everything settled in the bottom of the bottle. One glorious, gin-infused glass later my disillusion had bit the dust. I actually grabbed the phone at that point, calling to invite loved ones over to try it, preaching about its salvation. Conversion, friends, is never out of reach, and it’s only 1 angel away.

Finding a bad bloody mary mix to pin against Oxford Falls is like shooting fish in a barrel, but finding the worst of them, well that was painful. The sixth-circle demon in this bloody battle is Mr. & Mrs. T. Not only is it made with tomato concentrate instead of fresh tomato juice, but the 3^rd highest ingredient is high-friggin’-fructose corn syrup, followed shortly after by molasses! Molasses has no damned business being in a bloody mary, guys. Lemon juice? Sure, but that’s concentrate, too. All data aside, though, the stuff tastes miserably pitiful. It was watery-thin and sweet, with a weird vinegar aftertaste. No tooth, no body, no punch. The fact that this stuff dominates the market with 62% of total sales is baffling, but given the popularity of the Plain Jane of booze—vodka—I guess I’m not surpised.

Angel: Find Oxford Falls Bloody Mary Mixes at www.peppers.com

Demon: Find Mr. & Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix at every damned store in the nation

Tagged as: bloody mary mix, oxford falls