"We all know that crap is king…"

I have come to the sad but enlightening conclusion that I can get all of the news I ever need from Twitter. Sure I’m a fan of the Sunday Times, but it’s really too fucking heavy to carry when you’ve got a balancing act of groceries in your arms. Channels like CNN can be great too, but who’s got the time when shows like Celebrity Rehab and That Heavy Metal Show are begging to be called up from the DVR list? The more I frequent Twitter the more I realize that you find out anything…truly, anything…that you need to know, as well as plenty of shit you didn’t even know you wanted to know, and even more shit you seriously don’t wanna know at all but are suddenly hit with the awareness of. For instance, in the course of only 1 hour I learned the following:

As per @meredithmo, Monsanto Chief regrets not commenting in Food Inc.

Do you do yoga? According to @newjerseylife, your downward-facing dog may be saving your life

@SudsyMaggie is “Dressed up” in khackis today. She feels like a tool. Looks forward to being reunited with her jeans later today

According to @PRBWine, who has tasted all the Bordeaux 2008s for a second time from barrel, it continues to be a remarkable vintage

The @UnknownChef and I were both yawning with boredom at the NY Times proclaiming: Music Industry Counts the Cost of Piracy

@EssexEating and @graphic_foodie both prefer the shape of rigatoni pasta

@dlayphoto retweeted to let us know that a former Cleveland Playboy Playmate was found dead from a drug overdose

@DJLitten warns that Burger Kings in Miami and New York will soon start selling beer (now catering to all your needs, not just for coronary disease, diabetes and obesity but cirrhosis and hypertension as well)

And lastly, we don’t need weathermen anymore because @bradinator can tell you that it’s a beautiful day in Okanagan, @oxfordfalls says it’s 52 and cloudy in Mississippi, @earthydelights is freezing his ass off in central Michigan, @Olivier1uk alerts me that it’s pissing down with rain in England, @NataliesCuisine pisses everyone off by mentioning that it’s 65 and sunny in Dallas, but @WoodwardCanyon and @thescorpiowoman make you feel better by letting you know that it’s foggy and cold in Walla Walla and a numbing 22 degrees in Montreal. Australia would no doubt have chimed in but they are all sleeping at this hour.

Want a recipe for snickerdoodles? No worries. Need a good late-night wine bar in Tribeca? Just ask. Did you miss the Jersey Shore finale? Fear not! Search the hashtag #jerseyshore and hundreds of tweets will give you the 411. If you follow and are followed by enough people, you can get the answer to just about anything, and it won’t be any more or less accurate, factual or unbiased than Fox News Network or British tabloids. Hell, I’ve conducted surveys on whether people prefer candy apples or caramel apples, puffy or crunchy Cheetos, and milk or dark chocolate, and gotten a widespread data sampling within seconds. It’s like the Encyclopedia Britannica, Wikipedia, NY Public Library, Zagat Guide, Rolling Stone Magazine, Gallup Poll, Gourmet Magazine, NASDAQ, Saturday Night Live and Nightly News all rolled into one, and it’s as addictive as Sriracha and crack. And don’t think for one moment that mobility will inhibit you in any way. There are a boatload of phone apps to make sure the drip in your direct-line IV to Twitter never stops. All that, and we can’t cure cancer…amazing. On that note, I’m now going to go cancel all my magazine subscriptions, discontinue my cable service and build a port-a-potty next to my computer so my Twitter and I are never far.

Tagged as: twitter