Internal Dialogue 1: I want beer.
Internal Dialogue 2: So go get some beer. Leave me out of this, I’m eating chips.
ID1: But I want good beer. That means driving…20 minutes of it. They’ll never go for that.
ID2: So sneak out.
ID1: With mom and dad here, too?
ID2: Fuck me! I’m never going to be able to eat in peace, am I? Call it a family outing, then. Promise the kid some sassafras and the husband some…some…I dunno, some cigarettes?
Me: Hey guys, let’s go get some beer when mom and dad get ready to go, OK?
Mom: You want us to go?
Me: No, no…whenever you go is fine.
Mom: Because if you want us to go…
Me: No, mom, really. I want you to stay.
Dad: OK, we’ll stay, but only if you have some beer.
ID1: Salt in the wound, Dad. I see…Payback’s a bitch…
Hub: What, you suddenly need hand holding to go buy beer?
Me: Well, I wanted to go to that place in Kinnelon, cuz they have a good selection.
Hub: Kinnelon?! We have like 5 liquor stores within a 3-mile radius. You can’t just go to one of those?
Me: We can get the kid some sassafras or cream soda…
Kid: Yeah, Dad, let’s go!!
Hub: OK, but we’ve gotta budget ourselves, OK? You know you’ll wind up buying wine while you’re there, too.
Me: No, no, no, just some beer.
Kid: And sassafras.
IN THE STORE:
ID1: Ooooh, Cantillon. Ok, control yourself. Get the $13 bottle, not the $25 bottle.
ID2: This should be good to watch…
ID1: And Dragon’s Milk…get one of those. Oh, and, and, and, the Dogfish Red & White…that looks awesome. I wish they had the Heresy I’ve been wanting to try.
ID2: Wine, don’t forget the wine…gotta budget.
ID1: OK, heading over to the wine, let’s just go past this cool looking kiosk of stuff.
Kid: Mom, I can’t find the soda!
Me: Ask that kind-looking gentleman with the nametag, sweetie.
ID1: Holy mother of Zeus, they’ve got the Heresy four-pack!
ID2: Budget, Katie, budget…
Husband: Geez, Kate. We’ve been here, what, five minutes? You’ve already got like 6 bottles in the cart…big ones! No more, OK? Cuz I know you’re heading for the wine.
Me: OK, you’re right.
ID1: If he doesn’t see the Heresy go in the cart, maybe he won’t notice at the register.
ID2: Right. Cuz a four-pack looks just like one of those big 330ml bottles. Uh huh.
ID1: Fuck you and your sarcasm. (puts the Heresy back on the shelf)
TWENTY MINUTES LATER:
Hub: Not bad…I’m proud of you. What’d you spend, like a hundred bucks?
Me: Yeah, about that…plus tax.
Kid: This place sucks. I didn’t even get to buy any sassafras. All they had was stupid Pepsi and Coke and stuff. You promised me sassafras, Mom!
Me: No, I didn’t promise. I said we’d try to get some for you…there’s a difference.
Kid: Is that like the difference between you telling Dad you thought you were done getting beer, and then you going back for that Heresy stuff?
ID1: Why, exactly, did you teach him how to speak?!
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
You need to get your multiple internal dialogues drunk so they’ll shut up and let you blow the budget in peace.
Wow, I thought I was the only one that went through this internal dialog to justify beer or whiskey purchase.
It’s exhausting, what goes on in my head. And I’m no better in a bookstore. Next time, I’m tying the kid to the roof rack and leaving him there while I shop 🙂
Even better when you know the voices and you can hear the conversation in your head as you read it.
Made me laugh … somehow would have thought the kid would have commented much more though 😉
You’re deranged…in that good way.
@Linsey…sometimes it just takes one good “evil eye” look to shut him up, LOL.
@Galen, in the immortal words of the Melissa Etheridge song, “Yes I Am” 🙂
‘evil eye’ lol – wonder if that will work with Ant
🙂
Usually it goes like this for me:
ID1, 2 and Inner Child: HERESY!! HERESEEEEYYYY! HERRRRRRREEEEEEESSSSEEEYYYYY!
I love that stuff. Glad you indulged the voices in your head.
Dude, LOVED the Heresy. Still 2 bottles left, but not for very long. But I’ve now learned it’s available at shops much closer than the one in Kinnelon, which makes it even a more dangerous proposition 🙂
Details, Katie, Details. And what’s in Kinnelon? I know about Boonton, but Kinnelon?
Share your secrets, woman!!!
Ugh, I feel like a moron…I meant Boonton, not Kinnelon. Not that it’ll matter to half my readers from other corners of the globe, but to the Jersey folks, it does, LOL! BUT!!!!! I know for a fact that ShopRite liquors in Oakland carries it (Heresy)….but best secret? Their prices are WAYYYY better in most cases, for example Corsendonk’s abbey brown ale was under $10….9 if memory serves right! I never would’ve thought it, but they had stuff like Dogfish’s Red & White, a bunch of Weyerbacher stuff, etc. Plus they’ve got a small selection of singles to “make your own 6-pack”. It’s not much, but cheaper than Crown.
I’m just glad I’m not missing out on an awesome beer store in Kinnelon. You’re the second person to tell me about Shop Rite in Oakland – guess I need to take a peek.
And to keep these comments interesting to folks outside the area, let’s talk about our property taxes and the recent school budget reductions…
LOL, at the register, the manager said (as he scanned the Corsendonk) “This is great stuff. I keep forgetting to raise the price on this.” LMAO. I was like, “No!! Then I’d have to stop coming in here!”
Do NOT get me started on taxes and school budget cuts…
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