"I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed…"

I’m not altogether sure how other bloggers operate, but I’m the kind of writer who’s constantly finding inspiration for articles all over the place, whether in a magazine, at a store, watching TV, whatever. That basically translates into tiny sticky notes plastered all over the office, random thoughts scratched out on everything from junk mail envelopes to cocktail napkins, magazine and newspaper clippings stacked randomly in a pile, and press releases and sell sheets tossed amidst the constantly growing sea of dead trees. Don’t even get me started on the saved slew of emails that serve as potential springboards, too.

I’ve been dying to write up these three products for some time now…two that fall under the category of “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me” and one that sits in the opposite corner, as a “get me some of those NOW” product. Mind you, none of these are received samples that I’m reviewing, just stuff that has caught my eye for better or worse (though I’d readily accept samples of the third product for scientific purposes of experimentation, of course). I know I’ll get some flack from a reader or two, who will undoubtedly tell me that they are kitchen-challenged, and that these products do offer a valuable service, but I call bullshit.

The first is Leifheit’s Perfect Roll Maker which I saw in a trade magazine, and I’m pretty sure hasn’t hit the US market just yet. Before I knock the thing, let me reiterate my annoyance with single-use gadgets—things like garlic presses, salad spinners, and pancake batter dispensers—that clutter a kitchen with their relative uselessness, and could easily be replaced by utile tools like a knife or a ladle. This “roll maker” twists your sushi, stuffed grape leaves, etc. into a roll so you don’t have to…umm…ROLL SOMETHING WITH YOUR HANDS. Those are free tools last time I checked, people. Have we really gotten that lazy that we need to blow our devalued dollars on a contraption that does what we can easily do? If you can’t be bothered to roll your own sushi, I’m not sure you have any business making sushi at home at all. Go order some from the take-out place in town, transfer it all to a nice sushi platter, crack open a beer and call it a day.

The second is up the same alley (Sloth Alley, I guess): Kuhn Rikon’s Egg Separator. For $16 you can once again buy a crappy piece of plastic that will collect more dust than it will egg whites, when you could easily USE YOUR HANDS. I get it…some people don’t like using the back-and-forth method with the broken egg shell because if you’re not good at making a clean crack in your eggs you’re likely to get tiny bits of egg shell along for the ride. I really do get it. But your hands are the perfect (and free) tool for this. Let the white slip through your fingers and the yolk will be left behind in your palm…presto. If it’s simply a matter of, “Eww, I don’t wanna get my hands full of egg snot” then I’m guessing you’re not yet a parent, because you simply can’t gross out a parent. Period.

The third has already been put on my wish list. You know, the go-to list for anytime a relative or friend (or forgetful husband) needs a gift suggestion. Yeah, that one. For every time you’ve asked for your drink to be served “on the rocks” there is now a way to truly get them on the rocks. Teroforma’s Whisky Stones are a set of nine cubes of soapstone, a soft stone that won’t scratch your glass and is known for retaining temperature for long periods. The stones don’t alter the flavor of the drink (the way some connoisseurs believe granite can) and they won’t water your drink down like ice will. After a few hours in the freezer, BAM, you’re ready to rock…huh, get it…rock. I kill myself.

Tagged as: egg separator, kitchen gadgets, sushi roll maker, whisky stones