Him: Yo, hon, we got any beer up here? (head stuck in kitchen fridge as if he were spelunking)
Me: Yeah, I’m pretty sure there’s a bottle of Samichlaus left there. The rest is in the beer fridge downstairs.
Him: No, babe, this is malt liquor. I want a beer.
Me: Malt liquor is beer.
Him: No it’s not. Malt liquor is malt liquor. (Can’t argue with that logic)
Me: Malt liquor is just high-alcohol beer that’s only mildly hopped. It’s gotten a bad rap over the years, but that’s the technical definition.
Him: Seriously? OK, whatever, but I just want a beer (he whines as he heads downstairs). Katie, there’s no beer here, either…I see lambics, stouts…what’s this? Wit fermented with pinot noir? What the fuck, Kate? I just want a beer.
Me: That is beer, Mike.
Him: You know what I mean…beery beer.
Me: “Beery” beer? (he’s now back upstairs with a look in his eyes somewhere between mild annoyance, thirsty desperation and homicidal tendency)
Him: Don’t toy with me, woman. All I want is something cold and frothy that I can toss back with a burger. Something I don’t have to “appreciate”.
Me: Ohhhhh, well why didn’t you say so? You kept asking for beer, not for piss water. Had you asked for piss water, I would have pointed you towards the neighbor’s garage where he keeps that fridge chock full of Coors Light. But you kept saying beer. You can’t expect me to understand these things…say what you mean.
Him: So next time you ask me if you look fat in a pair of jeans I should say what I mean?
Me: Fuck no! We’re talking beverages here, not fragile self-esteem issues! Jesus Christ, dude, it’s a matter of semantics!
Him: Semantics? Bloody hell. All I wanted was a fucking beer…
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Would it kill you to get the guy A FRIGGIN 12 PACK OF YUENGLING…for crying out loud Samichlaus sounds like the guy that comes on December 25th.
Let the record show I am firmly in Mr. Pizzuto’s camp here…
1. Yuengling happens to usually be in the fridge. We just had none that day.
2. The beer is in fact named after the fat bearded guy.
Mr P can nip up the shops and get himself some pisswater … beer if hes that desperate.
Funny post Katie.
Maybe you could get some 60 minute IPA. You might be able to fool him into thinking it is “beer” because it is yellow and has a white frothy head. You can explain to him the sensation he feels when he drinks it is what we refer to as “flavor”. Tell him that you know it is a foreign concept but it is something he will get used to, and even “appreciate” eventually.
Nah, he actually loves a well-crafted beer and now pretty much hates the mass-produced piss water, he just didn’t want all the more extreme stuff i tend to keep around. I wouldn’t want a lambic with a burger either, LOL!
lol, girl.
For the record, those chicks that own Cheeseburger in Paradise wouldn’t know a burger from a cow pie. Buffet was not singing about that cheeseburger. He shoulda sued them (not for ripping off the name) but for making crapola cheeseburgers. Give that song a bad name.
Great article…had me cracking up!